missing home

for I will never be able to go for a summer vacation to a place called home... for no one understands that every evening I go back to is also a home but it isn’t the same...

home i miss u... so much

mom's gulmohar tree

The lady with dark toned skin and with darker tresses pleases all every time she smiled her billion dolor smile.
A person in her is an achiever in disguise … a thinker never got the center stage (never aspired for a center stage). Her philosophies remained locked within the four walls of her home and to the tightest circle of her friend… which she made slowly and steadily joining bit by bit….
She stands apart from the mob of so called self proclaimed pseudo intellectuals and delivers the unique single liners as and when it’s needed the most.
She would never go ga ga about what she says or thinks about the issue(s) but when she speaks people listen to her.
Her great intellect leave people mesmerized and they come back again and again for all gyan and advice (I have never seen her giving useless one)
I could never understand how she holds so many strings of her life tight intact and working all the time. No kid could find a mother who keeps them away from the tantrums of worldly life where you have to look good, perform well all the time, be proud about the birth
My admiration for her goes for the way she raised her kids
She never put in there head that they look good or they need to look good.
She never put in there head that they performed good or bad in studies, or need to perform well in studies.
She never put in there head that they should be proud about their birth and cast
Instead…
She asked them only one thing… be good
And this be good was open to interpretations
Each one of her child took his own meaning of being good and found their niche
I always wondered if she ever aspired or desired for anything
To be someone…. to achieve something
To get something… to be presented something…
She always looked so content that I questioned her ambitions all the time
The rare glimpse of her wishful face could only be caught on the occasions
When….
A bud in her garden so meticulously maintained by her is about to blossom
The remarkable achievement of any of her children is about to be announced
The crazy monsoon cloud is about to pour
I have never seen her making demands for anything… asking for anything… nagging isn’t her trait
Such mellowed lady had only one exception to her characteristic compromising attitude…every time she moved to a new house all she would like to know would be… “if the house has a gulmohar tree in front… or does it overlooks a gulmohar tree”
Growing up almost oblivious of this fact when I look back and remember every house we lived in had a gulmohar tree in its surround.
The symbol of romantic fantasies of Mother … the flowers manifestation passion and desire found a place in surround of every house we lived in…
A simple wish Father granted her for life…

expected agony

donno why sometimes you want your agonies to be celebrated and sometimes even happiness goes unnoticed...

expectation can turn the situation in no time... so beware... beware... of yourself...

unruly... eeh!

Traces of emotional dundrearies.
Following the long grown tresses...
Crowning me growing reckless…
Not to be a dominion
Is it me or my tresses which refuse to be ruled...
yeh! They are unruly as they could get
And free spirited I shall always be
Not to diminish in to oblivion

first rain 2- a walker i am

It was one of those days I would wish my mom wake me up… as she used to before my sis happened to us…wrapped in her cotton sari in Bengali style she would spread her arm to fetch me and I would refuse, turn around and say… nah I want papa to wake me up and she would laugh… papa would join her… and say “O my child wish me to wake her up”… and I would refuse again and rush to mom… the daily drama to delay the waking up….but today was special I wanted her to do that again after a gap of almost 5 years and I also wanted to be the first one to fetch the news paper that day thinking that I must be in the list of meritorious students…(not knowing that if I had been… they would have come the last evening to interview me). I was sure I am there… so sure that I refuse to get up till Ma gets me the news paper… she pretends she forgot as if she knew everything…
She was busy so I behaved matured and got up myself… my milk was ready.. my dress was ready(the magenta and white polka dot dress… mom has excellent choice for clothes). I saw the preparation and forgot about the news paper 9i have a very short attention span. Jumped wow! Looked outside from the big windows and it was cloudy… some would think gloomy but clouds make me happy specially those gypsy ones ;) … right from my childhood.
I rushed to Ma… what’s special … she lists “kheer, poori, kachori, aaloo sag everything that you like but when you will come back; now rush and get ready it’s the results day”

Oh yes! Oh yes today I am on top of the world… I didn’t bother to look at the news paper.

I reached my school… rushed to the class teacher who was busy sorting sweets... Big laddus …. Mmmm she is Seema didi … looked the most beautiful to me with her big bindi and tant sari… she looked at me … smiled and asked “didn’t your Mom come along” I nodded “nah”. I don’t know why I never though anybody should accompany me anyways… I always went alone to school nobody ever dropped me except in some urgent circumstances, and such were very few to make any memory of them.

I kept looking at clouds for long everybody was in strange mood… for some reason I felt I am less celebrated that day… I was puzzled by the treatment…but too happy looking at clouds to understand anything… rumors all around… they tell me how only S N got a place in list and how N S (not me) overnight got her position cause she has contacts… I was too young to understand or too busy to stare at the sky and the rustling clouds… I wasn’t bothered … what I was bothered about were laddus … I kept planning how to get more and told Didi since I must have scored the best I should get more…

It was when I got my result it started to drizzle … so as soon as I got my result I put that in to a polythene bag wrapping it carefully I forgot to look at the scores … all I was thinking of was … how to keep it safe and still enjoy the rains… so as soon as I thought I am done with safe keeping I was out in the rains… came out of the school building I don’t know why there was no arrangement to send us back… or maybe I missed my rickshaw wala… so I walked out the lane of Budhapara… reached the circle all alone (or someone with me… no memory). Asked some rickshaw pullers to come to drop me… they refused as it started pouring real hard by then… I am not a person who can wait so I started walking towards my home in rain… the first rain of the season…
The message of monsoon knocking doors… the rain just before my birthday…
It hit me softly tup tup… put put… and tupuk …. Traveling through my magenta and white polka dot balloon shaped frock… terminating in to the rushing channels around my black shoes… I walked… and hopped to disturb the flow… my socks got soaked in the muddy water and I hopped… and I hopped… my way to home…
Tupuk tupk jhaaaaar…. Rush rush…. Guzzzz… water …water …everywhere… and I am on my way to home….

I walked for 5 kilometers in 2 hours of mesperising, enchanting, gurgling, blopping rain… it drentched me… through(donno how I saved the marksheet… no memory)..
I walked looking at the sky so every pot hole disturbed my walk… and I walked sometime falling on to my knees sometime bending my ankles… on every pothole…

It was one of the best walks I ever had… I loved every leaf washed in the rain that day… every scene was beautiful… every moment was new… and I loved it …

I reached home and found Pa is back… Ma changed my clothes… while I narrated every incident since morning to him including my walk in the rain… he was laughing listening to my stories … wrapped me in a Rajai to warm me … I kept on blabbering everything important and unimportant and there were celebrations …. All eating giggling merrymaking…and in all this humdrum we forgot talking about the results…. In our family no one talk about the results but events…

This first rain was important to me because this day I realized I cannot wait for anything… and for sure a bus… I would start walking instead…a walker in me showed that day… I also realized a great quality of my parents… they never looked at result but celebrated the efforts… I knew then and I know now I am blessed…

delight after a misery

Perceptions and counters to them…
Patterns leaving scars all round
More on the most delicate dreams
When content ness now to be defined morbid
Loosing touch of all what could be so blissful

Huhh! The tangential paths all, if not one, another, every time
Escapism at its extreme not once, not twice
Endless times… life comes a full circle
Just that now he is to face and struggle
Let there be sorrow if it is to reach ecstasy

And believe me he won’t lament…

what a week

What a week... it was or still is.... aah! I just wish.... and I wish... and I wish... it just rested a bit before taking such a turn… I was happy when i got up on Monday morning.... day went unproductive I was moody on Tuesday morning.... evening was entertaining and intoxicated... I was extremely happy on Wednesday morning... day was shining... by evening i was cornered for no reason... explaining a nonexistent situation drained me... a slip off of beautiful house added to it... I was confused on Thursday morning.... disastrous day started and grew in to a horrendous... extremely escalated events terminated in to a night which craved for solace... morning was blissful... donno how many warning would be on their way... some spy results... shook me off and then he called to confirm.... day has so much in hold... let’s see…
Friday evening and Saturday morning both were extremely pleasant and they reconfirmed my belief in life and more …