Wednesday, April 30, 2008

emotional intelligence

S-nia complimented my emotional intelligence...
I wonder if she was true...
and if I would ever be able to keep up to this compliment
Emotionally intelligent... may be I am...
aah! if only he could be told... or he knows it already
it takes a lot to be one…. That’s all I know…

tiered of expectations... still emotionally intelligent

Sunday, April 27, 2008

wiered

S called up...
It was to congratulate on wedding....he couldn’t attend
And just after congratulating advises affectionately...
Now that you are in it don’t ever cultivate fungus....
I couldn’t understand the reason of this negative tinge
Then he explained no not you but...
There had been a lot of fungus ridden things and u should keep away...
And I was shocked... does he know... and if yes ...how?

is it infectious.... m i infected

first rain 1




I was reading first rain write up of someone… and I was reminded of many that I cherish…
The first one is here…
It was a Friday I guess…. Not the first Friday I spent on that tiny 17 acre campus
Of cohesive community and enchanted wilderness
Small to accommodate all that happens in creative minds…
Some 300 put together so it used to flood….
And sabarmati used to add to the vigour of this flood…
So it was the Friday most probably….
Evening had just born to grow up to a seductive beauty
The clouds came in to garland her and make her theirs
She flushed and it poured….
I sat at BBC… near the hostel B…
With all of them and we started to…
Dance just when she said yes to those clouds
Abhi…the girl was out there first…
Nu was also there how could me sit behind
So I rushed and said yes… to the clouds
Who came for the evening and became mine…
They tied an anklet of droplets and made me sway
They beat the drum to the garba beats so I moved…
Started with tiny steps of shy sashay and
Progressed almost geometrically to vital
Forced and then passionate… rain dance…
All yelling… giggling… some just watching and chuckling…
Me not there… m transported…to clouds…
As I meet them, they put their hands around my waist
They touch me through my thick ikkat…
Which was to remain soaked long after the rain are gone
Oh this is called life… its life… and I live in that moment…
And then there are channels newly born…
Gushing… noisy flowing through my bare feet
A bare feet traveler looks at me…
Nah! He looks through me across…
To a green clad lady… love at first sight…
Esmeralda comes to me … I look drunk… she looked drunk
Do you know any STD PCO…. And I am back to reality
Oh yes! Its at the main gate…
Can you come along… I need to make a call
Oh sure! Sure… my friend… and I find a friend for life and beyond…
I meet another on the main gate dressed in yellow (he thinks it was black or red but yellow)
He smiles… is that you N I heard of you…
Didn’t know you were this bohemian… mmmm
And I know I found another friend for life…
Cause he knew at the first glance what metal m made of…
This was S… I splashed water… jumped and laughed aloud
And it felt heaven….

Friday, April 25, 2008

renew, reuse, recycle

Chipped and splintered
Spalled by the meson called time
Pieces of persona fragmented
Small bit here and there
Separated by pauses
Each waits to meet other
Oh! My homeland written on one
And my workplace on other
My pa’s effort called one
Ma’s dedication spelled other
Sis my dear the little quarrels
And lots of love
Bros’ pampering and care all over
One piece it was a great sculpture
After they rejoin is another
Shook off and extirpated
My existence is renewed
Reincarnation… for good… or…

pa is the best pa


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

PMS


Suspires she left with….
Words got chocked… couldn’t breathe…
Hah… despair…
Reason unknown… unasked…
Ill returned
There isn’t any reality…
If only, her seeked reality…
could be found…
Why me … why me…
Wounded someone was or maybe not….
He should heel or not or whatever he wants…
Why me…. why me….
Suspires again…..
Timid existence…. With Surcingles unknown
In reach yet gone...
tingles but no action...
aah... its just a phase... or PMS

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Azaleas


This air is intoxicated
Filled with the perfume of color
color rubbed contours wait
For touch of such… to get more high…
Goose pimpled body needs nothing
In return of one more encounter…
Of those tips and these tips…
Ends … and reaches…none to define..
Arms length or stone throw …
Away always means not near
Showing but not coming
And the air waits…Azaleas it feels… vivid yet dry

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

looking back


I wish he saw me drunk by the stagnant pool
Soaked but baking under the sharp eyes of sun
Nudity finding a new dimension
With play of cloth tingles on the uneven tan of skin
Droplets traveling through the bare back
Showing an undernourished skin and impurities in veins
Flesh of legs and almost fleshless arms...

I wish I met him the day, I didn’t fear to look good
Seductivity lingered only on the edge of the eyes
Not showing up not going away
Traveling up to the edge of the lips and vanishing
Producing a shrug of desperation in spectators…
Drooling around to find the rare glimpses of it
And me unaware of it completely…

I wish he sat near me under that lone tree…
In the field where I used to go for surveying
Blazing sun wondered what material I am made of
With m oozing on that summer day
Found all reason not to work but command
When I found partners in crime and produced…
Precise results of survey not even done…

I wish he slept with me that night
When moonlessness found masturbating stars
Dipped in wine red emotions of craving unmatched
When laying alone on that terrace
I felt sexy for the first time
And wished for a moon cloud cladded…
Soon to be annealed and left with lusty desires

I wish he knew the vagabond, ignorant and mischievous me
Before discovering rational, responsible and reliable me…
And loved the dark in me before …
He made me believe …
I am made of light …

Monday, April 7, 2008

of sea, sky, sand and him 2


Tranquil ultramarine spread across the horizon
Sky is all set to seduce the sea to leave the land and travel through it
Forming an enormous cloud... deep in color, wet and rain bearing
Shore tries hard not to give in to the fling to become one with sea
Sand betraying the shore rushes to the sea...
Escorted and lured by the currents...

She awaits him with all her emotional turbulences...
Showing
in the wetness of her eyes...
in the curves of her body...
in the rushes of the flush
in the wave of arousal traveling pour by pour...
Sometimes steadily, sometimes erratic, sometimes rhythmic

And then ... he emerges...
at the silvering edge of the horizon...
Looking like a loner desperate to meet satori

Sky amazes and looks perplexed
Sand and current stop their dancing and seem freeze in motion
Even The unmatched libido of passionate sea goes placid

A change in her as well...
Mysticism takes over eroticism...
He seeks answers in her...
The quest of which made him travel to lands nowhere...
She finds questions in him...
She is born to answer of which she never found listeners...
And it seems just the start of a story untold ...unborn...
This air got empregnant just now and there is still time...

Of pouring clouds and coincidences


What was I doing when he had to walk for 24 hours to reach his nearest shelter some 3 years back followed by pneumonia … when Mumbai was washed by rains and had almost been abandoned by its caretakers…
Memories always betray me… I usually don’t have much to remember when I know I had suffered. I suffer and forget… erase the incidents and dates and there are no memories. Mind machine does it all for me it submits to my intense desire to be happy and rock d party. I wonder if it keeps any back up of memories or registry entry of events somewhere.
So to check I press upon it… the archived section is in to action… and I start remembering piece by piece…
I am in UD’s cabin the COO for projects under NID… he refuses to issue my stipend and write several mails to claim the same.
On the other hand mind starts parallel processing the endless details bit by bit of the bus I am designing… already in the sixth month of the project I am sick and tiered of enormous, monstrous, time consuming work which is not to lead me anywhere and not to let me go back… but who knew then ..That all those sleepless nights I spent are to go in vain… while I prepare the presentation of design and wait for rains to stop so that I could travel back to Bangalore and get done with the project.
Rain doesn’t stop, my stipend does … I shift back to hostel from the outside rented apartment … staying unauthorized, money less, aimless (no my parents didn’t stop the inflow of money… they didn’t know my stipend is stopped).
Till yesterday I was maintaining 2 apartments one at Bangalore one at Ahmedabad now I am unable to sustain even one. Rain postpones presentation- which postpones approvals- which postpones- stipends which postpones- reports- jury-convocation- new job joining- entry in international design team.
But who knew all that then… I am not so troubled by this postponement… sitting under the asbestos roof of the BMW (behind the metal workshop) canteen I love every bit of rains… it pours to please me … rains always give me sense of fulfillment, nourishment, care and I see my mom loving me through rains from distant land she sends these rain bearing cloud to pour over this asbestos shade to tell me I am still missed and cared and needed back in home.
It trances me back to home where its pouring now for 10 continuous day and I put on Megh Malhar in Kishori Amonker’s voice (when I visualize the voice I see sister not her)… loud … clear… enchanting she says… “maaan na kariye…. Tumhare karana aayo megha…” (Don’t be distant now that these rain bearing clouds have come just for you)… and calls me to get drenched in the eternal nectar pouring in the form of water drops…(Anandamrit…)
I stand in shade… refusing all the calls of Kishori Amonker of my mind and my trance breaks. Bus comes in front of me trapped in rains unable to move… and I laugh at my own imagery of situation…
Twitchy, jittery, agitated but not depressed but angry I come back sit in front of my booked computer in this big computer center… and there is a mail in the group mail… yahoo group … S is yelling “N(me) ko koi yahan se le jao (someone take her away from here) she doesn’t let me work… sits directly opposite in this comp lab troubling me distracting me”… I laugh at this regular prank S loves to play over group mail… approach him in person and see how his work is shaping up (he had recently designed costumes for a movie and it had come out well but documenting the same is being troubling him resulting in a prank on group mail). He smiles a naughty smile…and I read delay in documentation… but I also read determination…
“A” gets the joke over group mail and sends reply…
“Dip dip dip…. And it’s ready to sip…
If you want it stronger dip a little longer …
Dip dip dip…. And it’s ready to sip…” yes mine would be a great sip… a strong one a determined me declare…while reading A’s reply…
Diploma projects are considered never ending at NID . they seem unending to all who do them … but all at NID have to do them and it also ends as everything ends…. Sometime well, sometime short, sometime timely, sometime swarming, sometime tight, sometimes loose…
Mine too ended …. With bitter sweet memories … some acclamations and some bad words … I had my share of both…
Rain stopped exactly after 20 days (postponing my presentation twice) of this day and I could leave only on 15th of august delaying my project by 3 months in total… I paid for that stay… that delay… touched the greatest low of career … emotional distress… only to recover and come in shape when I shall meet him exactly after 2 years on the same date when he walked for 24 hours continuously to reach the nearest shelter…

That night he realized the hope he was clinging on was false that night I realized even when I seem to go down it is only to reach new high in the near or distant future.